Struggle

Most of the time, I love being a mom and everything that comes with it.  Most of the time, I would give up my full-time job in a heartbeat and settle into the role of a stay at home mom until my kids go to school.  Most of the time, I want to be constantly interacting with my child, and worry about missing "firsts" when I leave the room or spend the day teaching.  Most of the time.

Then, there is that one night that makes me question everything I do and everything I am as a mother.  I doubt my decisions, and feel as though I have made horrible mistakes.  Last night was one of those nights.

Recently, Max has been on a "I want Mama to hold me and be near me all the time" kick. I know this phase makes some women want to tear their hair out, but I've enjoyed it.  I don't get tired of holding, playing, talking, singing, bathing, feeding, changing Max.  While some people look down on the fact that we've co-slept for the last 5 months, I have embraced it and found peace in thinking about the intertwined relationship co-sleeping has fostered between us.  I'm not completely whole without my MaxJack, and he needs me to survive.  Co-sleeping has kept me sane while being the sole person responsible for feeding Max at all hours of the night, and being able to roll over, latch him on, and fall back to sleep has gotten us all more sleep. Lately, it hasn't been that easy.

Max's "bed" in our room is a crib mattress on the floor (surrounded by 2 walls, our bed frame and a heavy laundry basket at the end to keep him contained), and I've been placing him on his bed to help start transitioning him out of our bed, but still keeping him close at the same time.  Getting him to sleep has been the easy part, but last night, at 1:30am, he woke up and decided that comfort nursing was this only thing that was going to make him happy.  I wanted to rock him to sleep, and give my poor nipples a break (he'd been latched on for the last 30 minutes or so without any signs of stopping).  He won't take the pacifier when I'm around, so he yelled at me, he yelled at Luke when Luke took a 5 minute shift to let me regain my sanity, he yelled at me while Luke walked him around... I knew the only thing I could do was to let him try nursing back to sleep.  Thank goodness it worked this time, but he still only wanted to sleep on me for the rest of the night.  So, that's how I wound up sleeping, curled up on a crib mattress with my 9 month old using my shoulder as his pillow.

Some people would say, "Make Luke take a shift!" They don't understand the immense guilt I feel.  I don't feel as though I can ask Luke for help in this situation because I am the one who pushed the co-sleeping. I'm the one who insisted that I breastfeed for as long as I am physically capable.  I'm the one who created this monster who needs to comfort nurse and co-sleep to get through the night.

I shared this with Luke, and he helped me get through it.  He reminded me that we've had many, many more awesome nights with Max than rough ones.  When we complain, it's because our baby is smiling and laughing too much as we try to get him down to sleep.  It's only every once and a while that we want to tear our hair our in frustration.  We have to remember that as we transition, we're bound to experience more sleep deprivation, but it's okay.  We'll get past this.