Good Day.

Today, I did things that pregnant women should not do:
1.) Consumed more than the recommended allotted amount of caffeine without guilt.
2.) Had multiple sips of Luke's beer at lunch today.
3.) Rode the roller coaster and the log chute ride at Mall of America.

Now I have an urge to go to Valleyfair before I get knocked up again.  Taking advantage of the things only non-pregnants can do is helping me move forward.

Chemical Pregnancy & Starting Over

Today's appointment confirmed that it was a chemical pregnancy.  Basically, I lost the baby very early on, and back in the day, most women wouldn't have even known that they were pregnant and would think that they just had a late period.  Unfortunately,the pregnancy tests are still coming back positive, so I had to do another beta hcg blood draw today.  My doctor wants to follow me all the way until my levels are back at zero.  She also suggested that we wait 2 full cycles before trying to get pregnant again.  While I do agree that doctors know best, I am just planning on letting nature take its course.  Despite having just gone through a chemical pregnancy, I feel that my body won't let me get pregnant again until it's ready to support a baby.  So, we are going to continue to not prevent and hopefully get pregnant again by the beginning of the school year.  I am fortunate to have Luke on board with all of this.  There was a part of me that was worried that he'd really want to do what the doctor suggested, but he also doesn't want to stop trying for our next baby. 

I'm back to charting my morning temperatures to try to track ovulation again, and feel like we are in a good place, emotionally and physically to start trying again.  When I got my updated beta hcg levels back on Friday, I felt that it gave me some great closure to know that my levels were dropping, and that this was not a good pregnancy.  While I can see how many women spiral down into darkness and despair after a miscarriage, I have made a vow to myself to continue to be upbeat and positive regarding the fact that we have to start over.  This was completely out of our control, and I can't dwell on the loss or the idea that I could experience this again.

And on that note, let baby-making pt. 2 begin!

Update

Things are seeming worse as the day goes by.  My cramping is becoming more intense and there's a decent amount of bright red blood coming from my body.  Not only am I now experiencing psychological pain, but now there is the physical pain that is constantly reminding me of what I am losing.  I called in sick to work tonight, and I'm hoping that this is all done by the end of the week.  I'm allowing myself to be sad through this week, but after that, my goal is to be optimistic about getting pregnant again.  It only took us two cycles to get a positive test the first time, so hopefully it comes easily for us this time around.

Not looking good.

I've been at the doctors' office 3 times in the last 24 hours.  Yesterday's pelvic exam left me feeling hopeful.  Today's ultrasound?  Not so much.  The doctor told me that it is going to be one of two things: 1.) It is too early to actually see anything on the ultrasound, or 2.) I'm miscarrying.  In other words, we still don't know, but we're preparing for the worst.  They drew blood today to see what my Beta HCG levels are, and we'll know tomorrow what to do next.

God, this is killing me.  I am fortunate to have Luke by my side though all of this, otherwise I don't know how I would manage.

Scary weekend (a bit TMI)

I had some bright red bleeding on Friday night (~6 weeks, 2 days along).  Freaked the hell out of me.  I was at the cabin, and went to the bathroom to find that I had bled through my underwear and shorts a little. I had to ask a girlfriend to drive me to the gas station to get pads since I knew that I wasn't supposed to use tampons (Luke was slightly intoxicated and my friend's car was the most convenient to use).  I cried for a good chunk of that night (Luke and Kaitlin were awesome at supporting me the rest of the weekend).  I'm still crying on and off.

I think it's spotting, but what the hell do I know?  I talked to the on-call doctor, and she talked me down a bit, and over the last 48 hours, it's ran the course of several different shades of red, but it's never resembled a period.  I'm scared. Upset. Hopeful.  I hope that when I call the doctor tomorrow, they let me come in for an early ultrasound so I can have some piece of mind no matter the outcome.

The (not-so) funny thing is that I was starting to really experience some morning/afternoon sickness while driving home today, so if this baby doesn't stick, nature is playing a cruel, cruel joke on me.

Prayers that everything works out okay :(

6 Weeks

We've made it to 6 weeks today!  According to my little ticker thing, Baby Lorenz is the size of a sweet pea (that sounds huge compared to the poppy seed and the apple seed I've been at for the last two weeks).

Last week, I went to the doctors for my confirmation appointment.  It was a glorified HPT test.  I had to go pee in a cup and they told me whether or not I was pregnant.  It basically confirmed the fact that my home pregnancy tests were correct.  I had a chance to chat with the doctor about my options for prenatal care, and I've decided to go with an OB at a clinic nearby.  They've ranked in the Minnesota Monthly's top providers, so I'm comfortable with my choice.  My first appointment with them will be next week for blood work and a prenatal informational session.  I won't actually meet my OB until August 20th, when I will be at 12 weeks.  It's kind of scary not knowing what's really going on inside- is there actually a baby growing?  Is it still alive?  I've got the cramps to prove that something is going on, but being this early on, without a ton of symptoms, it can be a bit unnerving to say the least.

Despite not having had a chance to hear the heartbeat yet, we decided to tell our immediate families this week.  We would like to have them as a support team, should I have a miscarriage.  Monday, we stopped by my parents house under the guise of needing to drop off Luke's rifle for storage and that we needed to get Dad's father's day gift out of the house.  I had ordered this onesie (but with March 2014 on it instead) from Simplewear on Etsy.com.

My dad opened this as his belated father's day gift, all the while my mom is wondering why on earth would we ever buy dad a white shirt?  He'll get it all messy when he's barbequing!  As my dad looked at it, he asked, "Is this your way of telling us you're pregnant?" My mom then realizes what's going on and she looks at me and asks, "Are you pregnant?!" I told her to go look at Dad's gift and she started crying.  Mission accomplished :)

I sent this picture to all of my sisters, and immediately got phone calls from them wondering if this was true!  Zibby was crying on the phone while attempting to make dinner for the kids she nannies for, Paige came speeding over to my parents' house, and Lauren was in on the whole thing, so she was happy that my parents were surprised.

We tell Luke's parents tonight, and we'll have to find time to tell Luke's sister & brother-in-law as well, so I'll update next week with how that goes!

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How far along?   6 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: I'm not keeping track.  I'll start once I am being weighed at the OB's office

Maternity clothes? While I can definitely still fit in all of my regular clothes, they just aren't laying right.  No maternity clothes yet.

Stretch marks? No

Symptoms: Cramping, sore breasts, fatigue, starting to feel queasy at times, night sweats

Sleep: I wake up to pee in the middle of the night, and I am suffering from night sweats.  Otherwise I sleep pretty well.

Best moment this week: Having the pregnancy confirmed by the doctor and telling my family!

Have you told family and friends: A couple close girlfriends and my family.  We tell Luke's family tonight!

Miss Anything? Not having to pee all the time.

Movement: Not yet

Food cravings: I really wanted a doughnut last night.

Anything making you queasy or sick: If I don't eat with enough frequency I start to feel queasy.

Have you started to show yet: Just bloat

Baby is a: ??

Belly Button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On

Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy

Looking forward to: Going to my appointment at the OB office next week, telling Luke's family.