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Despite being completely terrified that I might not get to keep this baby, I still want to document all the good things so that when this baby is born, I can look back to where I was 40 weeks ago and see all the love I already had for my child before (s)he was even conceived.

So, round 2.  Be warned- this is a long one. With no pictures.

I didn't think that we had a chance to get me knocked up in November.  October proved to be the month of the wonkiest cycle I have ever experienced (I ovulated suuuuuper late, compared to the rest of my cycles), and my lovely Aunt Flo didn't arrive until nearly two weeks after her expected arrival date.  After an extremely frustrating month, I learned that Luke was going to be out of town during the most important days during fertile week (I know, I know, super sexy... fertile week...gah.), so I was not too hopeful.  The morning that I had to drive Luke to the airport (November 10th for all of you who are keeping track of all the times we romped) was our last shot for 4 days.

After two weeks of obsessing over my temping charts, I was convinced that this was not our month, except for the dull cramping I started to experience around 7 or 8 days after ovulation, and the awful back pain that came on for the few days leading up to testing.  I kept pushing the thoughts of "this is what is was like last time" out of my head to thwart the definite disappointment I was sure to experience in the next few days.

Well, I stocked up on cheap pregnancy tests (I ordered 50 Wondfo brand tests the week before I tested), so that I would be ready for the next few cycles.  Due to the fact that I happened to have a boat load of tests in my possession, it didn't hurt to start testing early (even though I knew I would be more than likely to get negative results).  I was going to try to hold out and wait to test until my parents' anniversary on Nov. 27th (it seemed like it would be fitting to get a + on a special day like their 31st wedding anniversary, which also happened to be the day of their surprise vow renewal), but then decided that I should test earlier so that I didn't sport my angry face through the whole renewal.  Saturday 11/23- negative.  Sunday 11/24- negative.  Monday 11/25- positive.  I saw the faintest smudge of a line, but after convincing Luke to take a look, he confirmed what I saw.  The next morning, I took a first response and a digital test, and both showed up positive right away!

Wednesday, Nov. 27th- I got in to see my doctor and have her confirm the pregnancy at the clinic.  Apparently the lab techs didn't know how to read the test correctly, because I walked out of the office with a follow-up lab appointment scheduled because they called it negative.  Since I was JUST 4 weeks along, she said it was probably too early to see it on their test.  Fast forward 3 hours, and 2 positive HPTs later, I got a call from the doctor letting me know that she went and did the lab herself and that it actually WAS positive.  Hopefully that is going to be my only stressful bit during this pregnancy...

So, now we're here.  2 weeks later.  This is the week that I miscarried back in July.  So far, this pregnancy has been very different from the first one, so I hope that's a good sign.  If I can just make it to Monday, I'll feel an extreme amount of relief (though I know that I won't be out of the woods yet).

I have two appointments set: Dec. 31st for the initial blood screens/early pregnancy appointment with the nurses, and Jan. 15th is my first appointment with the OB.  Hopefully we get to hear a heartbeat that day!

Round 2

Here we go again... 

Today, I am pregnant.

Today, I am 6 weeks along.

Today, I have a due date of Aug. 4th, 2014.

I'm scared shitless.

I'm beyond excited.

I already love this baby with all of my being.

I hope this is it.

*Please stick little baby*

Good Day.

Today, I did things that pregnant women should not do:
1.) Consumed more than the recommended allotted amount of caffeine without guilt.
2.) Had multiple sips of Luke's beer at lunch today.
3.) Rode the roller coaster and the log chute ride at Mall of America.

Now I have an urge to go to Valleyfair before I get knocked up again.  Taking advantage of the things only non-pregnants can do is helping me move forward.

Chemical Pregnancy & Starting Over

Today's appointment confirmed that it was a chemical pregnancy.  Basically, I lost the baby very early on, and back in the day, most women wouldn't have even known that they were pregnant and would think that they just had a late period.  Unfortunately,the pregnancy tests are still coming back positive, so I had to do another beta hcg blood draw today.  My doctor wants to follow me all the way until my levels are back at zero.  She also suggested that we wait 2 full cycles before trying to get pregnant again.  While I do agree that doctors know best, I am just planning on letting nature take its course.  Despite having just gone through a chemical pregnancy, I feel that my body won't let me get pregnant again until it's ready to support a baby.  So, we are going to continue to not prevent and hopefully get pregnant again by the beginning of the school year.  I am fortunate to have Luke on board with all of this.  There was a part of me that was worried that he'd really want to do what the doctor suggested, but he also doesn't want to stop trying for our next baby. 

I'm back to charting my morning temperatures to try to track ovulation again, and feel like we are in a good place, emotionally and physically to start trying again.  When I got my updated beta hcg levels back on Friday, I felt that it gave me some great closure to know that my levels were dropping, and that this was not a good pregnancy.  While I can see how many women spiral down into darkness and despair after a miscarriage, I have made a vow to myself to continue to be upbeat and positive regarding the fact that we have to start over.  This was completely out of our control, and I can't dwell on the loss or the idea that I could experience this again.

And on that note, let baby-making pt. 2 begin!

Update

Things are seeming worse as the day goes by.  My cramping is becoming more intense and there's a decent amount of bright red blood coming from my body.  Not only am I now experiencing psychological pain, but now there is the physical pain that is constantly reminding me of what I am losing.  I called in sick to work tonight, and I'm hoping that this is all done by the end of the week.  I'm allowing myself to be sad through this week, but after that, my goal is to be optimistic about getting pregnant again.  It only took us two cycles to get a positive test the first time, so hopefully it comes easily for us this time around.

Not looking good.

I've been at the doctors' office 3 times in the last 24 hours.  Yesterday's pelvic exam left me feeling hopeful.  Today's ultrasound?  Not so much.  The doctor told me that it is going to be one of two things: 1.) It is too early to actually see anything on the ultrasound, or 2.) I'm miscarrying.  In other words, we still don't know, but we're preparing for the worst.  They drew blood today to see what my Beta HCG levels are, and we'll know tomorrow what to do next.

God, this is killing me.  I am fortunate to have Luke by my side though all of this, otherwise I don't know how I would manage.

Scary weekend (a bit TMI)

I had some bright red bleeding on Friday night (~6 weeks, 2 days along).  Freaked the hell out of me.  I was at the cabin, and went to the bathroom to find that I had bled through my underwear and shorts a little. I had to ask a girlfriend to drive me to the gas station to get pads since I knew that I wasn't supposed to use tampons (Luke was slightly intoxicated and my friend's car was the most convenient to use).  I cried for a good chunk of that night (Luke and Kaitlin were awesome at supporting me the rest of the weekend).  I'm still crying on and off.

I think it's spotting, but what the hell do I know?  I talked to the on-call doctor, and she talked me down a bit, and over the last 48 hours, it's ran the course of several different shades of red, but it's never resembled a period.  I'm scared. Upset. Hopeful.  I hope that when I call the doctor tomorrow, they let me come in for an early ultrasound so I can have some piece of mind no matter the outcome.

The (not-so) funny thing is that I was starting to really experience some morning/afternoon sickness while driving home today, so if this baby doesn't stick, nature is playing a cruel, cruel joke on me.

Prayers that everything works out okay :(