I'll never forget- 3.4.2014

If everything had gone as planned the first time around, Luke and I would be bringing home our first child this week.  Our baby was due on March 4, 2014.  It's a little crazy to think that 40 weeks has already passed since my first positive pregnancy test.  I feel as though we were so naive through the initial process, and that since we were young and healthy, we never thought that losing a baby was even possible.  Then that awful day in July happened, and we were left with an empty womb and heavy hearts.

The whole process of starting all over was daunting and terrifying.  We ignored the doctor's recommendation to wait two full cycles after the completion of the miscarriage, and decided that my body would let me know when it was ready to get pregnant again, so we began trying again immediately.  I thought that if we could get pregnant again right away, the growing hole in my heart would be patched up sooner, and that the pain would go away.  My body had other plans, and held on to the pregnancy hormones until the end of August.  Every blood test I took was like a slap in the face.  A reminder that I still wasn't carrying our child, but that my body couldn't seem to let go.  I stopped crying everyday over the loss of our baby around the time school started up again, and it was then that my cycles seemed to regulate itself again, and a couple months later, I became pregnant with our current little bean.

The thought of going through another miscarriage scared the shit out of me, and while I wanted to be excited, once that second pink line showed up again in November, all I could do was plead "Please don't let me lose this one, too."  Thank God we've been able to keep the one we have now.  I'm thankful for the growing baby that I carry everyday, for the little kicks that remind me that I am never alone, and that (s)he is still okay.

Overall, I've been surprisingly okay with this loss milestone.  I've managed to only get teary eyed once regarding this formerly exciting date, and it hit me out of nowhere.  I was driving home from teaching night school on Tuesday, and on MPR, they were airing an interview with poet, Kevin Young.  He was talking about his poems that focus on grief and one of them was written after he and his wife experienced a miscarriage.  It captured the moments of their first time trying again after the loss of their baby, and all of my emotions came flooding out.  The image of them in bed, the hope that they've just created life- it all hit too close to home.  The reporter asked him how long after the miscarriage did it take for them to get pregnant again, and I thought Young had the most perfect response, "Not soon enough."  (If you're interested in listening to the segment, here's the link: http://www.npr.org/2014/03/04/285712680/kevin-young-on-blues-poetry-and-laughing-to-keep-from-crying)

Yeah, it makes me sad to think about the angel baby we could have been snuggling and getting to know this week, but I believe that being able to hold on to the fact that this Baby Lorenz is active and well helps me get through this. At one point, I didn't know how I could go on, but I am a better person, and my relationship with my husband is stronger despite the loss of our first child. I came out stronger from all of this.